I cannot help but comment on this evening's 2nd floor chaos in both Stoddard
and Elliott.  It seems a certain matress belonging to a certain Stelliott bedwe
tter (who shall remain nameless), let's just call him "Andy" on completely hypo
thetical terms, was found in Elliott's 2nd floor bathroom.  After an odd twist
of fate swept it from "Andy's" bed, the said mattress was discovered in a corne
r of the shower area along with a note begging "Andy" to stop guzzling 2-liters
 of Sprite before jumping into bed for the night.  Shortly thereafter, Emily Fa
rmer's door was found barricaded with two trash cans and super-soaker shots ran
g out from her window into the night sky.  Luckily, Emily is a strong woman and
 can take care of herself.  Currently, these incidents are under investigation,
 and all involved are innocent until proven guilty.  I just wanted to make sure
 that the community was well-informed of what is going on.  If you see "Andy" a
nytime soon, you may want to suggest that he enroll in Joe Lamancusa's phenomen
al bedwetting seminar as a means of coping with his "problem".  If you have any
 information leading to the arrest and conviction of those involved, please inf
orm Jimmy Conroy, private eye.  Thank you for your time.