PUBLIC HEALTH BULLETIN NO. 13-6991:metpk.org.
EMERGING NEW VIRUS AFFECTS BIRDWATCHERS	

        Birdwatching is a pleasant sport requiring no more than a slow
stroll around a woods on a fair day. Most of us enjoy it that way. And
then there are the listers. These are the unfortunate folks in which the
"slow" virus Ornitholocus fanaticus has taken hold. This virus resembles
a contagious addiction and can be easily contracted by even the briefest
contact with another victim. Early stages are marked by a compulsion to
shop, most often for bird feeders, seed, and other paraphernalia. At
other times. victims exhibit a marked lassitude, preferring to sit by a
window and gaze at the birds rather than engage in normal activity
patterns. A marked antipathy to cats may be noticed. 
        Second-stage victims experience eye problems and memory
failures, characterized by the addition of binoculars and field guides.
Frequent early rising is an especially noticeable symptom. A tendency to
prefer the company of fellow sufferers may be noted. A loss of
confidence may be noted in some casualties who often utter querulous
questions like "Is it house finches or purple finches that have the
streaked breast?"
        Third-stage sufferers begin acquiring lists of birds, frequently
in very small type, necessitating the purchase of bifocals, especially
in middle-aged victims. A compulsion to travel is often noted at this
stage but is confined to ground transportation. Auditory symptoms may be
manifested in frequent calls to birding hot lines and listening to bird
song tapes. An increasing garrulousness is evident at this time.
CAUTION: at this stage, victims are highly contagious - particularly
avoid contact with their lists!
        A fourth-stage victim is in a sad state indeed, ready to drop
everyday activities to jet away to some foreign locale to locate yet
another bird. These patients may have difficulty keeping a job, due to
constant peering out the office window. Employers should expect high
health care costs for these unfortunates; due to chronic inflammation of
the cervical vertebrae, they may need frequent chiropractic adjustment.
Often these patients will present with multiple lists of birds (in one
amazing case, a victim was carrying a list of birds she had seen
copulating and another of birds that had pooped on her!). Increasing
preoccupation with their symptoms may lead to neglect of their spouse;
only in cases where the spouse is also afflicted may a divorce be
prevented.  In advanced cases, even the sufferer's children may become
strangers to them unless they take distinctive names such as "Phoebe" or
"Pale-legged Stiltchild."
        In the end stage, victims are known to wander the halls of
nursing homes, muttering, "NARBA, narba, must call narba." Often a
return to the early fascination with bird feeders occurs and may be
augmented by a fixation on TV nature shows. Many victims cause
consternation among their offspring by making generous donations to
ornithological organizations. 
        Alas! for the poor infected wretch, death comes only
infrequently to sufferers, usually in the form of a transportation
mishap or a fall from a height while looking through binoculars. Most of
the afflicted struggle along from day to day, heroically striving to
keep life and limb together.
        You can help these poor innocents by giving generously of your
time when you encounter them in the park. Help them on the way to the
nearest birding hotspot, while avoiding looking at the birds yourself.
Don't give them money - it only stimulates undesired behavior. You can
send contributions to the Esther Reichelderfer Memorial Fund to Sarah
Dalton at Blendon Woods Metro Park (Rumors that she is planning a
birding trip to the Southwest are unfounded.). 
        And... if you can't beat 'em, JOIN THEM!

New Birding regulations,  just fooling!

        Recently I read of a revolutionary new approach to birdwatching
and would like to share some information on it with you. The state
Department Of Distinguished Ornithological Scientists has proposed new
guidelines for the regulation of birdwatching. These regulations are
designed to put birdwatching on a pay-to-view basis with fees to be
designated toward the acquisition and rehabilitation of natural habitat.
        As published in the ornithological journal, The Awwk, Doctor D.
Coy proposes a set of regulations similar to those of the
Pittman-Robertson act that set up licensing and equipment surcharges for
waterfowl hunters. 
        Carrying optical equipment is a privilege to be enjoyed only by
the responsible birdwatcher who has purchased a $10 license.
Birdwatchers guilty of flagrant misidentifications may have their
licenses suspended or revoked, according to a specified 12-point scale.
For example: House finch/purple finch = 3 points.
        All optical equipment will be permanently and clearly marked at
time of manufacture with the following warning: Birdwatching may be
harmful to your mental and physical health. Optical equipment must not
be concealed except by an approved carrying case. Automatic focusers
require an additional permit, and must be transported and stored with
batteries unloaded. All binoculars will be equipped with an automatic
blank-out feature that will activate if the angle exceeds 15%, to
prevent birders' neck.
        A five-day waiting period for scope purchases is required so a
background check on moral character can be conducted. This is to ensure
that birdwatchers are watching birds, not chicks. 
        All birdwatchers must attend a 4 hour "scope safety course" to
learn proper handling and transportation of the equipment. Participants
will be taught how to safely cross fences while carrying a loaded
tripod.
        Possession of tape recorders will be strictly regulated to
reduce the chance of auditory violence against birds. Be especially
careful when calling Laniidae; a tough new birding law states: "Three
shrikes and you're out."  
        Birdcalling tapes will be clearly labelled and the AOU rating
displayed prominently on the package. X-rated birdsong tapes must not be
played in the presence of nestlings or fledglings.
        Birdwatching now qualifies as an ADA handicap and reasonable
accomodations must be made by employers for those stricken with this
slow virus. They must be allowed to work with binoculars at hand, and
receive 1 fifteen-minute "bird break" daily. Employees who contract
birdwatching on the job are eligible for aversion training through their
HMO.
        The public is invited to comment at the D.O.D.O.S hearing on
April 1st, 1994.
 

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