PUBLIC HEALTH BULLETIN NO. 13-6991:metpk.org. EMERGING NEW VIRUS AFFECTS BIRDWATCHERS Birdwatching is a pleasant sport requiring no more than a slow stroll around a woods on a fair day. Most of us enjoy it that way. And then there are the listers. These are the unfortunate folks in which the "slow" virus Ornitholocus fanaticus has taken hold. This virus resembles a contagious addiction and can be easily contracted by even the briefest contact with another victim. Early stages are marked by a compulsion to shop, most often for bird feeders, seed, and other paraphernalia. At other times. victims exhibit a marked lassitude, preferring to sit by a window and gaze at the birds rather than engage in normal activity patterns. A marked antipathy to cats may be noticed. Second-stage victims experience eye problems and memory failures, characterized by the addition of binoculars and field guides. Frequent early rising is an especially noticeable symptom. A tendency to prefer the company of fellow sufferers may be noted. A loss of confidence may be noted in some casualties who often utter querulous questions like "Is it house finches or purple finches that have the streaked breast?" Third-stage sufferers begin acquiring lists of birds, frequently in very small type, necessitating the purchase of bifocals, especially in middle-aged victims. A compulsion to travel is often noted at this stage but is confined to ground transportation. Auditory symptoms may be manifested in frequent calls to birding hot lines and listening to bird song tapes. An increasing garrulousness is evident at this time. CAUTION: at this stage, victims are highly contagious - particularly avoid contact with their lists! A fourth-stage victim is in a sad state indeed, ready to drop everyday activities to jet away to some foreign locale to locate yet another bird. These patients may have difficulty keeping a job, due to constant peering out the office window. Employers should expect high health care costs for these unfortunates; due to chronic inflammation of the cervical vertebrae, they may need frequent chiropractic adjustment. Often these patients will present with multiple lists of birds (in one amazing case, a victim was carrying a list of birds she had seen copulating and another of birds that had pooped on her!). Increasing preoccupation with their symptoms may lead to neglect of their spouse; only in cases where the spouse is also afflicted may a divorce be prevented. In advanced cases, even the sufferer's children may become strangers to them unless they take distinctive names such as "Phoebe" or "Pale-legged Stiltchild." In the end stage, victims are known to wander the halls of nursing homes, muttering, "NARBA, narba, must call narba." Often a return to the early fascination with bird feeders occurs and may be augmented by a fixation on TV nature shows. Many victims cause consternation among their offspring by making generous donations to ornithological organizations. Alas! for the poor infected wretch, death comes only infrequently to sufferers, usually in the form of a transportation mishap or a fall from a height while looking through binoculars. Most of the afflicted struggle along from day to day, heroically striving to keep life and limb together. You can help these poor innocents by giving generously of your time when you encounter them in the park. Help them on the way to the nearest birding hotspot, while avoiding looking at the birds yourself. Don't give them money - it only stimulates undesired behavior. You can send contributions to the Esther Reichelderfer Memorial Fund to Sarah Dalton at Blendon Woods Metro Park (Rumors that she is planning a birding trip to the Southwest are unfounded.). And... if you can't beat 'em, JOIN THEM! New Birding regulations, just fooling! Recently I read of a revolutionary new approach to birdwatching and would like to share some information on it with you. The state Department Of Distinguished Ornithological Scientists has proposed new guidelines for the regulation of birdwatching. These regulations are designed to put birdwatching on a pay-to-view basis with fees to be designated toward the acquisition and rehabilitation of natural habitat. As published in the ornithological journal, The Awwk, Doctor D. Coy proposes a set of regulations similar to those of the Pittman-Robertson act that set up licensing and equipment surcharges for waterfowl hunters. Carrying optical equipment is a privilege to be enjoyed only by the responsible birdwatcher who has purchased a $10 license. Birdwatchers guilty of flagrant misidentifications may have their licenses suspended or revoked, according to a specified 12-point scale. For example: House finch/purple finch = 3 points. All optical equipment will be permanently and clearly marked at time of manufacture with the following warning: Birdwatching may be harmful to your mental and physical health. Optical equipment must not be concealed except by an approved carrying case. Automatic focusers require an additional permit, and must be transported and stored with batteries unloaded. All binoculars will be equipped with an automatic blank-out feature that will activate if the angle exceeds 15%, to prevent birders' neck. A five-day waiting period for scope purchases is required so a background check on moral character can be conducted. This is to ensure that birdwatchers are watching birds, not chicks. All birdwatchers must attend a 4 hour "scope safety course" to learn proper handling and transportation of the equipment. Participants will be taught how to safely cross fences while carrying a loaded tripod. Possession of tape recorders will be strictly regulated to reduce the chance of auditory violence against birds. Be especially careful when calling Laniidae; a tough new birding law states: "Three shrikes and you're out." Birdcalling tapes will be clearly labelled and the AOU rating displayed prominently on the package. X-rated birdsong tapes must not be played in the presence of nestlings or fledglings. Birdwatching now qualifies as an ADA handicap and reasonable accomodations must be made by employers for those stricken with this slow virus. They must be allowed to work with binoculars at hand, and receive 1 fifteen-minute "bird break" daily. Employees who contract birdwatching on the job are eligible for aversion training through their HMO. The public is invited to comment at the D.O.D.O.S hearing on April 1st, 1994. ______________________________________________________________________ Ohio-birds mailing list, a service of the Ohio Ornithological Society. 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